Read this before you enter the slogan contest!

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So. You know I’m hunting for a snappy slogan for my blog. So. You know I’m not very good at slogans. This is because, as a mom, I’m way not perfect. I see lots of mom blogs whose slogans might be:

The joy of soy: Musings of an earth mother

Problem: I’m proud when I make spaghetti, let alone organic carob granola bars with quinoa, flax, and chia. Besides, when I do make stuff like that, my kids’ poop turns green.

Here’s another sample blog slogan that wouldn’t work for me:

Fashionista, mama mia! Dump the frump, and nab the fab.

Problem: Some days, I’m just happy to find my deodorant.

Here’s one last sample that wouldn’t serve this blog well:

Coupons, rebates, and sales–oh, baby! One woman’s erotic journey through the sensuous world of budgeting

Problem: As you can see above, some people take bargain shopping way too seriously. Sure, I clip coupons, do rebates, and shop sales, but I have to believe that, if some of these people spent this much energy on office jobs, they’d be millionaires.

The crafty mom: Your kids too can make the Louvre out of pipe cleaners!

Problem: I’m craft-impaired, and I haven’t memorized every Oriental Trading catalog from the past two years. This is a problem because nowadays everybody expects a mom to be the love child of Martha Stewart and Heloise.

I get requests from school for very large cereal boxes, toilet tissue rolls, paper bags–things like that. Andrew often fishes these items off the kitchen counter and puts them in recycling, whereupon I yelp indignantly and clutch them to my bosoms.

“How could you throw that away?” I demand. “Don’t you know the kids are making mobiles to affirm the right of laborers to organize in Guatemala?”

You see, fellow parents, I need you to make me sound funny, hip, wise, lofty, and epic. This is because many of my maternal words of wisdom don’t sound so lofty and epic. If I were to write a slogan from many of my real-life sayings, it might be…

Don’t pick your nose. Now, go wash your hands.

Problem: All moms say this, not just me. A slogan should distinguish me from the crowd.

The fart: My household’s high standards of witty repartee

Problem: Readers will think I personally make fart jokes. I would not do this.

Let’s all go wee-wee before we get into the car!

Problem: This slogan makes me sound like a psycho to people without offspring. But moms with many little kids understand that, if you don’t mandate bathroom use before car use, little Bobby will need to use the bathroom five minutes after you merge onto the freeway to Iowa. Or he might pee in his pants, whereupon you must wash his clothes and car seat and deodorize the entire minivan.

What’s worse–sixty minutes of yucky cleanup duty or two seconds of people looking at you like you’re a nut? I thought so.

Jokes aside, my blog will be a place for us to discuss issues before I write my columns. Visit my blog every day, leave your comments, and who knows? Maybe you’ll see your quote in the newspaper. Here’s what I’ll be seeking in a great slogan.

*It’s short and snappy.

*It conveys some of the following: My blog is a sometimes-humorous, sometimes-thoughtful break from your day. I’ll discuss being a pastor’s wife at a jolly church. (Shout out to Griffith Lutheran!), the best of Midwestern living, and raising four kids who’re no more than four years apart. Don’t forget my red hair.

*Slogan writers might take into account I’m not against experts, themselves, just experts that take themselves too seriously and place too many expectations on already way-burdened parents.

I reserve the right not to choose any of the slogans. What if nobody writes in but certain people I know very, very well? They might write slogans like:

Can I has a sell phone?

My mom have smely armpit.

Booger, booger, buger!

 If you have kids who use the computer, I’m sure you’ll understand.

To enter, leave your slogan in a comment below. You can enter as often as you like. The panel of judges will be the experienced writers of Northwest Indiana’s Novel Writers Ink group. If you have any further questions, post them as a comment; you might answer other folks’ questions.

The contest closes on Oct. 15, and the winner will be announced between Oct. 15 and Oct. 30 on this blog. The winner will get a $50 gift card to CVS. CVS does sell Godiva chocolate now. I’m just saying.

Now, in the comment section below, leave your slogan.

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About Rebecca Bailey

* Columnist, The Times of Northwest Indiana, for three years. * Professor for twelve years. * Mom of four teeny kids. * Voted "Most Dramatic," Castle Junior High School eighth grade, 1984. * Failed to diaper her first child before he projectile-pooped on the curtains. * Accidentally splattered her white Jack Russell Terrier with her red hair dye, which did not come out.

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